Re:E-Crack> They Say People in Your Life are Seasons

 

First of all, let me start by sending out a big fat thank you to my girl…who shall remain nameless until we can organize a pseudonym. That little picture with the heart really just touched mine, corny as it sounds; I know that I’m absent far too often, but really to have you as a friend is a blessing; and if i haven’t told you enough it is!

So E-Crack, here we come! Yeah it’s weird about this dude…let’s call him hmmmmm “Fine-Ass Friend”. I love him with all my heart; he has almost been a teacher, and a child, and a parent to me all in one. I often have moments where I wonder what life would have been like if I had initially taken him up on that offer; I don’t know; I will never know, but over and over again the message rings strong and true “this is not the man for me” I don’t know why…when I figure that out; I’ll let you know…but he’s a got a six pack and all…he’s damn fine, I can’t lie.

Anyways, I’m not going to say that I didn’t have any fear in regards to talking to him, and truthfully I still do. It’s difficult to sit in a room with one of your best friends and disappear into the wall; as he gazes longingly into her eyes, everytime she walks through the door;…or how about the little rituals they have together as they cook food together hold hands, pray etc. (yes all this time i’m in the room….I feel like that awkward kid at your friend’s house when the parents are fighting or smth..ie. you just don’t want to be in the room). You know what I did the other day? I couldn’t even handle finishing my food; i parked it in the fridge; and i walked out. I sat in my room and cried…hell yes I did; i’m not made of steel; and i thought to myself “I can’t live here anymore”.

Then I spoke to you, my girl about it; and because I’m always so harsh with her about standing up to fears, I decided I had to stand up to mine; THEN i decided for some unknown reason that I had to be like a “buddy” or a “man” and not bring up feelings. (secretly i was trying to find a way to get out of it…) But seriously, does anyone feel like that with a guy friend? I find myself saying “if I was a dude, I wouldn’t be saying any of this stuff, I wouldn’t care.” OK, i get it I’m not a dude; but in a way I feel like perhaps I have to relate to him as a dude because we are “friends” and our relationship is a weird one, I don’t know, I don’t often find girls and guys that are really close friends…or maybe we’re just not as close as I thought?

I spent some time travelling with him this weekend for work; i didn’t see him very often but when i did it was magical just like old times; we spoke a lot and had a lot of fun. What’s so strange is that I noticed that the closer i tried to get to him; the less I saw  of him; the further I pulled away; the more I saw of him; that was strange; and i thought to myself…why? why is it always like that? I noticed that A LOT on this trip.

I (unintentionally) did this with everyone on the trip; the further I pulled away from them; the closer they were drawn to me. I thought to myself; well think even of a 2 yr old toddler; the more you try to impress them with your stupid funny faces; the less they are interested. i suppose it’s human nature; if even a 2yr old needs space then we all do. What worries me a little is that I feel like, is that how all my relationships will eventually be? Will I constantly have to pull away from people in order to feel a little love? I don’t think I could live like that.

So anyways, I’ve decided in the end that YES! I’m going to talk to him; I don’t know what I’m going to say or HOW i’m going to say it; but I MUST say something; because he’s my heart and soul and deserves to know how I feel. Because if I don’t say something; I feel like a distance will evolve. Now I ask myself; is that just the natural evolution of life? That “people in your life are seasons”, as Kanye put it? Maybe he’s just a season, and he’s not meant to be a constant fixture in my life? That saddens me; but everything in life has a life no? Plants live and die; so do we, isn’t that the very nature of life and things?

Clearly I have very little idea of what I’m talking about; but this is my plan….AAAAAHHHHGGGG i’m so nervous…what to say? what to say? I don’t know when, but my plan is just to approach a dude and tell him…”hey, I really miss spending time with you, I know you’re very busy, as wel all are; but I definitely don’t get to talk to you and speak to you as much as i would like. Sometimes i feel very distant from you, I understand that that’s your nature (he’s kinda like a bird, he’s not the kind of person that you can often hold in your hands…he needs to fly around…there we go with the “space” again.)…

But then I was listening to the Tao Te Ching today, and reading Eckhart Tolle the other day, and man, they’re all saying to be like water and let things flow and not get personally affected by other people’s actions? So which is it? Is this just an ego thing? Am I like the middle child just crying for attention?

Well, I have a jam session with him tomorrow, will I have the balls to say anything SHOULD I? Is it necessary? Will it bring change? Is it just my ego?; I owe it to myself…(and to the kaizen diary) don’t I? I will update on the progress of this.

..and thanks girl for reminding me of my past hurts and pains. I don’t like to re-live the past (well maybe just a little) but NOT communicating; has truthfully ALWAYS brought me pain in life. Always. I hope that this time around; even if there is pain; I can wash my hands and walk away knowing that I did everything I could.

Let’s be fearless.

Do. You. Boo.

~ by doyouboo on July 7, 2010.

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